throw open yr doors

No.
It is not that u do not love enough
i know u have given so much
i have seen u empty yr pockets into the collection plates of love a hundred times over
I have seen u share all the cakes and the jelly drops of yr play lunch with others
a hundred times over
and over and over i have seen u make an empty shell of yrself,
until u felt u had nothing left to give
until stoically, head lowerd, u were hopelessly herded into hollow railcars
heart-shaped patches pinned to your pockets.
No.
it is not that we do not love enough.
but all the problems of the world come down to a single fact
it is not that we do not love enough
but that we do not accept the love that is offered to us

and i’ve had this conversation with my heart, like a 1000 times
like: “why is she so shy? She’s so great. Everyone loves her.”
But we still think that this thinking doesn’t apply to us
and so i sit around the table with angels after dinner
mints and liqueor and thru a cigar smoke haze
they ask me, ‘why don’t u let people love u?’
And i say, ‘ ah, they don’t know me. Like i know me.
If they knew me like i knew me, they’d hate me like I hate me
and when they figured it out, they’d leave, pack up their love in a box
packed between underpants and soft socks
and just go.
And leaving sucks.
And so its just not a risk i’m willing to take.”

… and all the angels cry
and the stars let their tears settle on the earth
and the mountains weep rivers, deep rivers surging into the ocean
like a ferocious and angry god raising an army against injustice
“Enough! In the name of love and the King of Hearts
throw open these doors
so my love, my heart
come out from under the table, get up off the floor
because I’m not going to live like this anymore
i will not stand here and sulk in stupid pride and defiance anymore
no. when love comes
i will run like a child, shameless and joyful to the tree at christmas
laughter twisting off my face
I’m barfing, giggling, hiccuping up the taste of excitement
I’m riding my tricycle with fire and reckless abandon
Demanding of all the stars and the emissaries of love
‘don’t be gentle with now!’
Love. Come Love! Come Love!
Come wipe me out.
Now bury me in the mountains of yr grace
or yr rage, or yr ancient elephants breaking thru the rose gardens of pride
Yr strange and wayward rebellions, u bury me in fire
Yr blades and battalions, yr battering rams and balloons
U set fire to me too, love
U set fire to me too, love
Love, if I ever hold out or hide from u love
Love, if I ever shut down or shy away from u love
Love, if I ever bow my head
or howl and play dead,
or cowering under my bed
I said:
Love! If i ever cross my arms across my heart again
then let them be nailed open.
my love, my heart
in the name of love and the king of hearts
throw open these doors
and let love take it all
let love take it all
let love take it all
and leave me here
in the ruins of a prison
a boy, on his knees, catching stars with his tongue.

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